Recently, in my role as Social Media Coordinator for Enneagram Studies in the Narrative Tradition, I wrote an article in response to a question a Facebook fan had about Enneagram type 8s. He asked for insights and strategies which might be helpful to 8s.  I thought I’d share:

When dealing with 8s, it’s helpful to recognize the defense structure that holds this type together: denial.  8s often tell us they are taken by surprise when their bodies break down in some way or when they realize the subtle ways their vulnerability is hidden.  

We know 8s who may even know the Enneagram well and clearly see the blindspots and reactive behavior of other types, but simply cannot see the proverbial plank in their eye.  Denial is a powerful defense protecting an idealized self (“I am strong.”) 

One of my colleagues, Peter O’Hanrahan is an 8, and he describes it like this:

“Denial closes down my view…I no longer see thing. I literally insulate myself from my own internal feeling. So it narrows down my attention and I literally don’t see things…feelings and thoughts have become dense.  I can’t even see that there could be a better approach or  I could go in a different direction.  The more emotionally charged, the issue, the less I can take in what is being said. I literally don’t retain the information.”  It is a stance of what Peter calls “principled inattention.”  

When living with and loving an 8, this inattention can be extraordinarily frustrating.  Yet, do know this: 8s do not remember data when caught in the grip of denial.  They can retell a story differently than what may have been experienced by others and it feels real and true.  I remember hearing a rather aware 8 share a story of an event we both attended in which she offered a version of the events with characters who were not in attendance. As she shared, the story was congruent with a deeply held worldview; she did not experience it as a “lie.” Rather, it was an example of “principled inattention.”  Compassionate understanding goes a long way when in relationship with an 8 (or any type for that matter).  Humor never hurts either. 

So, if you are an 8, what might be some strategies in dealing with the denial when caught in the grip of something you can’t see?

1. The body is a great barometer of what is going on. When “triggered” in some way, the 8 tends to “power up” bodily energy when feeling any vulnerability.  So, it’s helpful to pause.  Slow.  Notice your stance.  Feel the “powering up breath.”  How does it show up in your body?
2. If you are feeling defensive and you are resisting feedback from another, breathe in.  You may want to soften your stance (which is often rooted in the core idealization “I’m strong) and relax into the place in your body where you can feel yourself armoring.  Imagine breathing into your heart.  If feelings come up and you begin to notice anxiety, stay with the anxiety.  Welcome it.   As you feel the softening…the feelings…you may begin to notice a more expanded view of things.  The data becomes more clear, less distorted.   Sometimes, it’s helpful to acknowledge the other and even repeat back what was shared with you.  This helps you clarify the feedback of the other and it helps another feel as if she has been heard.
3. When softer feelings do come up, notice them and allow them. Recognize that as you slowly allow them, the anxiety begins to dissipate for their is no longer a well of dammed up emotion.   There is not only an integrity in recognizing you can live more fully when you span the spectrum of strength and vulnerability, but there is also a lot more energy for creative channeling of your passion for you are not bound by the need to be right, tough and strong.
4.  Notice your tendency towards black and white thinking.  Notice assumptions, snap judgments and prejudices which prevent your access to the truth you so deeply value.  Philosopher Ken Wilber writes that each perspective is “true, but partial.”  How might each perspective have its own truth?  
5.  Finally, inside of 8s, there is a soft, vulnerable child who feels unprotected in a hostile world.  All that strength has its natural opposite:  a tender heart.  Allow for relationships which allow you to open to this tenderness.  Be mindful of your tendency to take on too much responsibility for another or the tendency to feel excessively guilty for time when your “bigness” got in the way of deeper connection.  Self compassion goes a long way. 

You may start to pay attention to the inner and outer cues which let you know you are being triggered. These cues might include:

Inner cues: “powering up” breath, hardening of jaw, heart, arms and legs, vengeful thoughts, prejudgments, denial of feelings (I’m fine…it’s him/her, not me), defensiveness, planning for an “attack,” anxiety…you may also notice how you project your own tendency to control on others and assume others are trying to control you. 

Outer cues: over asserting  or excessively withdrawing (the key word is “excessive”), aggressive or overly directive talk style, gulping food, drink, material possessions (expression of lust), taking quick action (often with excessive energy), talking over another person or being combative and quick to anger

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