I’m always interested in what angers each type and lately, my attention has been on Nines, who are the most out of touch with their anger. It’s not uncommon for people to say that they notice the anger in their Nine partner/child/co-worker/friend before the Nine herself knows its there. Some thoughts on Nines and anger:
1. We often hear about Nines and conflict avoidance, but a lot of us avoid conflict which we typically see as a disagreement with another. But, if we fine tune the word, consider the term “emotional conflict” which is more about clashing and contradictory emotions within a person and you can get a deeper sense of the Nine avoidance. For Nines, in day to day life, this shows up as a desire for comfort. Nines gets triggered when their comfort is disrupted by an opposing perspective, a new idea/mindset that knocks them out of their comfort zone, a person who draws them into deeper engagement with something going on in the family, a partner, the workplace and/or the world. (Notice the emphasis on and/or. Some Nines are comfortable engaging in social issues, for instance, but far less comfortable working through something difficult with say, one of their kids or their partner who they simply wish would quit creating turbulence in the relationship). Aware Nines tell me they practice staying with the discomfort just a moment longer so they build a capacity to tolerate disagreement and disruption to their idealization which is “I am peaceful.”
If you are a Nine, notice when you feel uncomfortable. Where is the discomfort and corresponding anger housed inside your body? Can you breathe into it with an attitude of welcoming acceptance? You might even want to time it and stay with it for 90 seconds while breathing gently into the discomfort.
2. If you think you can force a change in thinking on a Nine, I have an elephant for you to move. I’ve been partnered with a Nine for over 30 years and my daughter is a Nine and forcing movement is not terribly effective. Nines have a conservative streak (don’t think politics and religion, think of conserving energy or a closely held perspective that offers familiarity and comfort). This holding pattern makes forcing action difficult. Nines are the great exemplars of the notion that change Begins Within. The more you push from the outside, the more the Nine feels the resistance inside and will tend to go stubborn. And, because this is an instinctive type, they can smell someone trying to “push the river” a mile away so let go of any notions you can sneak your desire for them to take action or change in through the back door.
If you’re a Nine, notice when you are trying to conserve your energy if feeling pushed into action or change. Often, this conserving ends up having the opposite effect and draining you. Stubborn resistance is exhausting. This does not mean you must take action or change your view. Rather, it invites you to allow space for your anger when you feel an outside push. The anger helps you get clear about your position without stubbornly refusing consideration of other views.
3. Practice radical acceptance. Acceptance is the elixir for Nines since they tend to diminish their own worth or not accept “unacceptable” emotions in themselves and others. This isn’t about agreement; rather, it’s accepting what’s showing up. Often Nines are told they’re comfortable to be with because “they’re so accepting” which is sometimes true…except when it’s not. Some Nines tell me their internal state is more anxious than what they reveal on the outside. It’s dicey and takes a good capacity for self-observation to recognize the difference between accepting and the tendency to “numb out.”. In contemplative prayer, there is a prayer called “Welcoming Prayer” in which we respond rather than react to any given situation by welcoming the divine indwelling in the thoughts, feelings and sensations inside of ourselves…radical acceptance.
If you’re a Nine, notice the difference between acceptance and numbing out. You might find it useful to sit in nature and allow whatever comes into your sphere of awareness. It might be helpful to engage your body and hold out your arms in a spirit of surrender and acceptance. This includes all of you…that which makes you comfortable and uncomfortable. Sometimes, singing or chanting is useful as music allows you to relax into the total flow of Life beyond the habitual thought loops of what is often called the obedience/defiance loop common to this type. (I will. I will NOT. I will. I will NOT.)
I’ve a close friend who is an Eight and we talk often about anger. I used to see it as a bad thing..embarrassing, out of control and frankly, overwhelming. She’s pointed me to a different view in which anger is an instinctual energy which is wired into our reptilian brain and is registered in our bodies. It comes up on its own. My 16 month old grandson helps me see this regularly. He expresses his anger and is done with it.
I’ve learned that anger helps us know what matters to us and when we ignore it, it tends to erupt and/or get projected onto other people. Finding channels to work with this powerful energy is useful in harnessing the energy to effect change and gain clarity. Nines have a wellspring of energy and often anger which gets pushed down in the name of being comfortable. The practice isn’t about being peaceful. It’s about being real, showing up and flowing in the river of change even when it knocks you around.
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